October 9, 2003 A rejection form letter of EPIC proportions.
My comic was rejected by EPIC this week. I wasn’t really expecting to be accepted, Seize Him! is a little to mature for Marvel, and EPIC seems to have lost interest in characters they don’t already own.
Dear Marvel Fan:
I have a name you know.
Thank you for your submission to EPIC.
Unfortunately, we cannot accept your material or invite
you to join the EPIC program at this time.
Can we still be friends?
Although we don't feel that you are quite ready for
a book of your own...
Am I ready to write on someone else’s book then? Maybe I
could write the sound effects on Avengers for a few
...we were impressed with the quality of your work.
So impressed that you sent me your very best form letter?
While the number of submissions prevents us from giving
you a detailed critique...
…we do recommend that the word ‘booty-licious’ should not be spoken by Galactus more than once per issue.
...we encourage you to continue your development and
consider submitting to EPIC again.
Oh yeah, Marvel? Well why don’t you consider this! This gesture that I’m making with my left hand right now! It only takes one finger to make!
If you do send future submission, please make sure you
…twenty dollars. A good bribe is the best way to EPIC stardom!
...the appropriate forms, because without those, we cannot
review your work. Please note that, due to the volume of
submissions, we cannot keep or return your material;
we dispose of it...
...so keep a copy for your self.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo! My script! The only copy of my script is riding around the Atlantic on one of those New York City garbage barges!
Thank you for your effort and your interest in EPIC
Oh yeah, I’m really interested in Crimson Dynamo.
We wish you all the best.
We wish you all the best… someplace else.
EPIC Submissions Editor
Years of personal rejection by women have prepared me for this moment. I’ve learned they can’t defeat a man who has already defeated himself.
Seriously, Sam mailed me a cdrom with the pages on it. The real submissions will begin shortly.